


Help Me (Make Sense Of Everything)

by Zetal (Rodinia)



Series: SPN Hiatus Creations 2018 [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Ding Dong Lucifer Is Dead, Gen, Jack Is A Sweet Nougat-Loving Boy Who Deserves Comfort, So much angst, reference to canon rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-17 04:52:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14825625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rodinia/pseuds/Zetal
Summary: Lucifer's dead, tracking Michael can wait until after they've slept - but neither Sam nor Jack can sleep.  Jack comes to Sam for some answers and reassurances, which Sam is happy to provide.





	Help Me (Make Sense Of Everything)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for SPN Hiatus Creations 2018, Week 1  
> Prompt: “and if we die? we’ll do that together too.”

It was over – for now, anyway. There was still Michael to deal with and Dean to get back, but right now, there was nothing they could do that couldn’t wait until morning. Sam was supposed to be tackling the smaller problem of needing to be rested. He and Cas had tracked down Dean once, but then, Dean was basically acting like himself only without the inhibitions that held him back. When the question of “What would Dean do?” failed, Sam could ask himself “What would Dean do if his soul were gone and he could act on the impulses he keeps controlled?”

Michael was running the show. It wasn’t even the Michael that Castiel knew; the two had a great deal in common, but this was a Michael who had been allowed to have his Apocalypse, won, and did not give Earth the promised thousand years of paradise.

On the other hand, this time, he and Castiel had a bit more help, and Crowley wasn’t working against them. This wasn’t Bobby’s universe, or really even Mary’s, but Mary had some experience with it and Bobby was the smartest person Sam had ever known. He’d catch up quickly. Sam had always felt a little sad that his Bobby had never had access to the Men of Letters Bunker, but now he could see what could have been.

Then there was Jack. Jack who was… knocking at Sam’s door? “Come in.”

“Hey. I know you’re supposed to be sleeping, but so am I, and I can’t. Can I talk to you?”

“Sure.” Sam sat up and invited Jack to sit on the bed with him. “What’s on your mind?”

“Lucifer. And you. And I’m trying to make sense of a lot of things.”

Sam reached out and took Jack’s hand, giving it a squeeze. “I’m sorry. I was hoping you’d never have to know so personally what he was like, what he was capable of. What do you need help making sense of?”

“Lots of things. My mother was a good woman. I know that. She carried me, she gave her life for me, she did everything in her power to give me a chance at life and at being good myself. How was I…?”

“She didn’t know Lucifer was possessing the man she was having an affair with.”

Jack flinched. “Well, that’s better than what I was afraid of, but it was still wrong. I shouldn’t be here. I should never have been conceived, let alone born.”

“No, you shouldn’t – but that doesn’t mean that you being here now is a bad thing. Your mother could have had an abortion. She chose not to, chose your life over hers.”

“Why? Knowing where I came from, how I came about… why would anyone give me a chance? Mom, I can understand. I wasn’t doing it consciously, but I might have been affecting her to protect myself. It’s you I don’t understand.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, on the way to the church, he showed me what he’d done to you. In Hell.” Sam flinched, but refused to let go of Jack’s hand. “Only flashes, there wasn’t time for full detail, but I know how long you were down there and from what I saw… I think he was gloating, but that’s not the point. After all that, you gave me a chance. You took me in, gave me guidance, you even came to love me. How?”

“Me and Dean, the one thing we believe in above all else? Free will. Lucifer may have been a great big bag of dicks, but you had human in you too, and I believe in people. Given guidance, given the chance, I like to believe that people will make the right choice. Every mistake you’ve ever made, ever person you’ve ever hurt, your intentions have always been good. I always hated being judged by my dad, even in positive ways – my dad was really smart, good at pulling together patterns and turning up connections other hunters couldn’t even begin to imagine, but I always hated it when people compared the two of us like that. Until I had proof that you were like your father – your biological one, not the one your mom chose for you –”

“Or the one I chose for myself, when Castiel was gone.”

Sam’s smile flashed all too quickly. Another victory he had over Lucifer - and although Dean was always the one who'd wanted kids, Sam couldn't deny that he loved Jack like a son. “Yeah. Until then, I wasn’t going to judge you by him. And look at you – you proved me right.”

“Did you leave him behind in the Apocalypse World? On purpose?”

Sam sucked in a heavy breath. “Yes. I did. I’m not going to apologize for it, but I will apologize for lying to you about it. I’m sorry. I should have told you the truth about that.”

“You should have, but now that I know why you did it, I’m not mad. If you’d told me, I’d have made you tell me why. If you’d wanted to talk about it, wanted me to know, you’d have told me before. I get it.” Jack squeezed Sam’s hand. “Why did you lead him to the camp? That’s the part I don’t get.”

Sam’s head dropped. “Because I was a coward. Or I was lazy. Or something. He brought me back from the dead, and said I could lead him to the camp or he’d give me right back to the vampires. The thing is, during the attempted Apocalypse in our world, I told him that I would kill myself before letting him have me, and he told me he’d just bring me back. Death wasn’t an escape. It wasn’t an end. In Hell, he was certainly happy to kill me over and over again and then bring me right back. It was a game to him. I figured he’d just keep doing that here – bring me back, give me the option, let the vampires take me out, and then just keep repeating the cycle until either I broke or you and Dean found me. Dean was gonna come looking for me. I know it. We made a pact – we would go to that world together, fight together, rescue Mom together, and if it ended with us dying, well, we’d do that together too. If you came with Dean, Lucifer got what he wanted anyway. If you didn’t, Lucifer would keep letting me die and bringing me back, and the one thing I know of that would break Dean would be watching me die over and over. I couldn’t see any way Lucifer didn’t get what he was after, so I figured I’d spare myself the pain and him the effort and just get it over with. Hope you would trust me and Castiel enough to be wary of anything Lucifer said to you.”

Jack's eyes filled with tears. “And I wasn’t. I fell for his manipulation and his lies. I’m so sorry, Sam. I’m so sorry.”

Sam wrapped his arms around Jack. “Hey. No. You got played by Lucifer? Dean got played by the King of the Crossroads. Cas got played by the Scribe of God. Me, on the other hand… I got played by just a normal demon. Don’t beat yourself up. Just promise me that you’ll help me and Cas make it right. Okay? That’s all that matters.”

Jack nodded. “I still don’t think I’m going to be able to sleep tonight.”

Sam patted the bed next to him. “Go get your pillow. You can sleep in here tonight.”


End file.
